Sarah's World Her Way

Some of the worst parts about dealing with a mental illness:

The feeling of being absolutely alone.




My parents don't understand, not really. All they see is their daughter struggling with herself. They see what my OCD makes me do. Weird habits and unnecessary tasks. But that is it. They can't see the bigger picture, the granddaddy inner demon that I am wrestling with.

My friends don't understand. Almost all of them didn't even know I had an issue until my last post exposing myself to the world ( and not in a look at my boobs kind of exposure). All they see is a straight A student who is an editor for a magazine, a published writer, and a girl who is applying to four year universities like there is no tomorrow. Well I mean there is a tomorrow since those college apps are for my future, but you get the point.

Really though, no one understands. Who could? It is an invisible illness. For all they know I could be making it up.

What it does to the people around me.

My parents and I have been dealing with this for such a long time and it is weighing on them. They are good people, they are, but they are struggling, we are struggling, to keep our heads above water. Sometimes it feels like we are slowly sinking to depths where we won't ever see light again, but finding comfort in a better tomorrow keeps us floating.

The ups and downs.

Having a mental illness is like being on a roller coaster that you are trying so desperately to get off, but the lap bars won't budge.

Some days are perfect. My version of having a perfect day includes the ability to be "normal." When I am able to do everyday things without my certain habits, those are the happy days. Those are the days I think yeah I got this!

Then other days I wake up and my brain is screaming at me. Immediately I feel pulled back into the vicious cycle of the seemingly endless bad days.

Now I know that most of my posts have positive spins on them, but this post is different. I am not going to pretend that every day has that sunshine moment where rainbows soar in the sky and I feel at peace with the world. That would be a lie, but the thing is

IT'S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY.

The next hour, day, week, month, or year will. be. better. That is a promise.

Well would you look at that, there was a positive spin after all.