Sarah's World Her Way

It's snowing outside my living room window and I have the fireplace on. I am sipping on some hot chocolate with a soft blanket on my lap and a new book in my hands.

Today could not get any better.

Then I wake up as reality and endless thoughts fill my mind. I go about my day, trying not to think too much, trying to stay numb. Trust me; it's better that way.

Smile to the kid I am sitting next to in lecture. Say thank you to the boy holding the door for me. Nod to the positive remarks my teacher gives me on my last writing assignment. All the while having these thoughts pop into my head.

Why would you smile at that girl? Great now she thinks you are weird.

You should have said thank you louder, he might have been able to hear you then.

The teacher is only being nice, she doesn't really care.

All these thoughts rush in and out of my head. Not all are self sabotaging though, not all are to lower my confidence. Sometimes my mind makes me think about other things.

How many people have touched that door? Now you touched it. Can't you feel the germs spreading?

I think you should check your to do list one more time. Okay maybe two or three.

You are forgetting something... seriously there is something you have forgotten, but what is it?

These are called Intrusive Thoughts. I get them because I have OCD, which is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In simple terms, I worry ALL the time. I worry about small things like washing my hands four times after almost everything I do. I worry about trying not to touch things in public more than I can help. I also worry about big things like my future. I worry that I won't make it and that I won't ever be satisfied in life.

Now this is also heightened because I have anxiety.

Sometimes I am worried and I have no idea why. I feel like a big hammer is going to be dropped on my life and something awful is going to happen. My chest feels like it is going to explode and I can't take it anymore. Then it goes away as quickly as it came, but I will always be wondering when I will feel bad again.

My friends tell me all the time that it seems like I have everything figured out. That they wish they were more like me. More confident and easy going. HA! If they only knew.


Fake fake fake. YOU ARE A FAKE. If people only knew the real you. If people only heard your thoughts, no one would want to be friends with you.

I think that is why I have this blog. I want to help people who are going through hard things because I have been and am in those shoes. I have lost people I love, I have seen someone wither away in front of my eyes, and I have dealt, am still dealing with mental illness. I know how to help deal with the pain because I have gone through the pain.

On my blog, I have always prided myself on being honest, raw, and real, but I have never shared my mental illness story because I have been afraid. No one knows about it. I can count on four fingers the people who know in my personal life and two of those people are my parents. So sharing this with all of you is an almost impossible idea.

I am worried people will judge me. I am worried people will treat me differently. I am worried I will get pity when that is the last thing I want. 

But this is the real me. I am a mess. I am figuring out my life. I am dealing with a very strong mental illness that sometimes takes over hours of my life, but I am doing it. I am working through my inner demons to become a better person. There is nothing in life that can't be overcome, no matter how big it may seem. Sometimes I feel like my mental illness will never go away. Like there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel, but you know what I do?

I turn around because there are two sides to every tunnel.